He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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