just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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