Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
