We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
