he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
