My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
