Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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