Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
