how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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