never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
