Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
