Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
