if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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