Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
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