my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
