Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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