he puts the penis in happiness.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
