Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
