He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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