I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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