I heard we made out
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
