nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
