remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
