just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
