You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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