Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
