Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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