Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
