i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
