I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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