Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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