I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
