i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We are all done wearing pants today
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
