Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
