Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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