No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
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i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
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The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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