note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
