community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
