I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
