Ketchup is God's man juice
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
