getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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