HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Houston, we have a squirter
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
