I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
