I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
