Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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