If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just want to make out with him forever
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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