how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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