My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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