Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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