I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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