I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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