She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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