yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
