Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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