The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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