any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
